he found me in a forum. i don’t even remember which one. he said i was clever. he liked the way i phrased things. he said he didn’t usually like people.
we moved from messages to voice, from voice to video. i used to put on eyeliner for the camera and pretend i wasn’t hoping he’d say something about it.
i told him i had a tendency to ruin things. he laughed and said, “same.” we called that chemistry. we should’ve called it a warning.
i picked fights to see if he’d stay. he said things just cruel enough that i wouldn’t forget them. we called that passion.
he said i wasn’t like “the good ones.” he said i was dangerous. he said that was what made it interesting. and i let him say it like it was a compliment.
i started to believe i couldn’t be good. not really. just fun. just temporary. just chaotic enough to be unforgettable, but not enough to be kept.
he disappeared for two weeks. then came back like nothing happened. i didn’t ask where he went. i didn’t want the answer.
he said, “you knew what this was.” i said, “yeah.”
i still flinch when someone calls me beautiful like it’s a promise.
he made me feel like love was something you earned by suffering. and i was such an overachiever.